Making space to nurture a new obsession
Two weeks ago, I emailed several companies and withdrew from interviews that, just a year ago, I would've killed for. Stopping interviewing should have been an easy decision. My wife would casually remind that I'm not into these companies, so why keep talking to them. It's bewildering how she's always weeks ahead of me realizing something. I know it's bewildering to her that I've got to get there on my own. At least it's down to weeks and not months. It wasn't just her either, a recruiter told me some interviewers sensed I wasn't committed. To some it was a flag, to other it was fine. I felt compelled to say yes to interviewing because, I saw no reasons to say no, I felt it was expected. During the interview I'd convince myself in the moment that each role suited me, but the conviction would fade within hours.
I distracted myself from my true aspirations. For example, there was one founder that my gut didn't sit right with. I had a feeling the place would be toxic. I'd tell myself I had to see more to validate my gut, it's important so I can trust it in the future. Two more conversations and it was clear as red - the place was very toxic. I wouldn't last a year in that environment. Ironically, the same validation I crave in engineering, holds me back in life. Once I felt vindicated that I'd solved my distraction, the illusion faded and I began to see reality.
Clarity began to emerge when I spoke with another founder. He mentioned hating splitting his focus and loved the satisfaction of making real progress in one domain, his words made me rethink my own priorities. I'd planned to split my time equally between interviewing, consulting, and exploring startup ideas. His progress remarks really resonated. I was spending 80% of my time interviewing and 20% time networking, and nothing towards starting a company. Realizing I'd spent almost all my time on interviews, I turned to a friend for advice. He ridiculed me for trying consulting. "You'd hate it" he warned. Then I asked him; "Do you think I'm too afraid to launch my own startup, so I'm putting all these things ahead of it?" His response; "I don't know, but you haven't started one yet". It was like a wake up call. I didn't want those jobs or to consult. I wanted to start a company. It's more likely that I'll create the job I want versus finding it. I can bake in what I value and meet my family's needs. That might require me to break the mold of how the company is run or expected to run. Yes, it increases my risk of failure, but so what? Success is only one of the reasons why I'm doing this. It's also going to be fun, challenging and most importantly on my terms. Since when did I buy into the mold in other aspect of my life, why does the decision to start something so hard for me?
As cliche as it sounds, I am afraid to fail - the reason a revelation to me. It has real consequences to the world outside of me. I will let people down through their associate with me. What will my wife, kids, family and friends think of me if I try and fail? Rationally, I know they would be proud that I tried. I'd be proud of myself for trying. I'll have no difficulty taking interviews if I had my shot on goal. Emotionally though, the thought of my family or friends thinking lower of me is paralyzing. I would do what is needed of me - regardless if I liked it or not. It's called responsibility. The problem with that train of thought is that it's easy to forget about your own needs. If I load up my plate with what is expected of me, then I can say I didn't have time for what I needed. I've been wanting to do this for nearly 15 years. That time blinked by. One or two more blinks and I physically won't be able to do it, assuming I'm fortunate enough to get there. I'll never be able to live down the weak 'no time' excuse. Especially when I encounter people every week that use it on why they can't stretch, exercise or just take care of themselves. Hearing that excuse use to boil my blood, until I accepted that everybody has their own path. Here I am doing the same thing.
So I lower the bar to get started. I don't need to build a VC backed business. I just need to match my salary. How am I going to build a VC backed business if I can't even beat my salary? I then lower the bar even further. I don't even need to build a business, I just need to try: have fun, talk to some people, learn. It's a win win. I pull the thread. If I get bored of pulling the thread, I'll now gladly interview. I don't get bored, well maybe I take my shot on goal. To make it even easier, I narrow my aperture for the business to the construction industry.
As soon as I start researching construction, a new flame ignites. A new obsession. Having gone through this many times, I know this can last anywhere from 15 minutes to years - not really knowing when it's going to run out. So I lean in, soak it up and see if I wake up the next day with the same vigor. Next day it's still there. It's been two weeks now and my minds still drifts into the space. A good sign but it's still early. I'm also now realizing why this is my industry. Not why it's good for VC or software or investment, but why it's good for me. I've spent hours talking to random internet strangers and friends in the industry, leaving me energized. Nearly half my life was spent in the industry. Worked in the field in high school, in the office during university and then building software for it after graduating. Some of my best chapters of my life - surrounded by some of my favorite people. The people in the industry are real people, doing real work, building things in the world of atoms. Craftsmen dedicating their entire lives towards furthering their craft. The work itself is fun too. Generating ideas, solving problems, dictating how, when and why has been so much fun, even if it's all in my mind. If running my own company feels like a fraction of this, and brings me closer to the people I love, I can't rationalize myself out of it.
The last interesting observation I've had is that my emotions are so much more pronounced. After some conversations, I leave so excited that I can feel heart palpitations. The same feeling after drinking a second coffee. It's probably more from being in-tune with my body & emotions than it is the level of excitement, but it's still apparent. During the daytime, I laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I know so little, flying by the seat of my pants and I'm loving it. Figuring things out on the fly. When it turns dark outside, the same thought carry a different meaning.
Usually right before or after dinner time, a deep sense of fear washes over me. The same thoughts come back to haunt me. "You can't do this. You can't start a company. You can't even code. It's embarrassing. All your friends and acquaintances are going to find out how incompetent you are. This is yet another obsession, just like all the ones you didn't finish. People are going to be embarrassed to be associated with you." The thoughts last from a couple of minutes to a couple of hours. I don't try to fight them, just acknowledge them. It's the imposter syndrome again. I refuse to numb myself, I simply just continue on with my activity at hand. Knowing they'll vanish in the morning brings me relief. Just having gone through a couple of these episodes has immensely increased my respect for founders. In my past roles I would criticizing and demand more, if only I had known what they are going through. Reflecting on my past criticism of founders, I now see they too wrestled with fear and uncertainty. We're all improvising, fooled by randomness, and that's okay.