Life, a series of matches
There are tensions one must navigate to build a business. These tensions are universal, present in every team. They are human, yet the skills to navigate them or the understanding of how it all works are opaque. At least to me, they are. Being in my thirties, I'm still learning things about myself that seem so obvious. One such tension is between the product manager role and the engineers role. The two are responsible for creating customer value with their teams. Product decides on the problem, saying if we solve X, we satisfy Y customers and attract Z customers. The most requested feature or a new product offering desperately trying to bring in revenue. Trying to measure up to the near infinite growth expected by the VCs. As the engineering counterpart, I'm expected to solve the said problem. I balance solving the customer problem while minimizing the work required and finding ways to pay it forward all at the same time. All while keeping the team engaged, growing and thriving. Balancing the leash given to each individual, taking calculated risks on who to bet on. Trying to maximize the risk to take on while avoiding catastrophic failures. You need to take on the risk because the problems get bigger and harder. You need your team to grow. This investment in individuals deepens the relationship and grows trust. It unlocks the ability to speak harder truths. It also means a more successful, rich and meaningful work environment. Necessary for top talent. I do my best, in the hope that these relationships follow me to the next time I go burning a match.
Burning a match is a concept I learned from cycling. One that can be experienced in one's body. When watching Tour De France, you see the peloton (group of riders). The person in front of the group is doing more of the work and isn't the person that's going to win. He's playing his role. Well once in a while, you see a guy pulls out front and escape the peloton. That guy, is burning a match. He's on his own for a while and there are several reasons he might do it. He might have enough in the tank to take this to the end before the group gets there. Or he is going to pull his teammate forward so they can win, or he's playing mental games. He's burning a match because he is now outputting X% more wattage due to the air resistance he's now facing alone. His cardiovascular system is producing more lactic acid than his body is able to clear. It starts to build up. Once it builds up too much, you're done. It's an expensive and limited resource. These bursts are finite. Each person has 3-4 matches a race.
Working for a VC backed startup often feels like burning a match. You work hard, there is build up, you need to learn to clear it and you can only do so many in your lifetime. Starting my career in one of these places was exciting. Work was life and life was work. It was so much fun. The business was growing, I was learning, and life was in the fast lane. Work hard, party hard. Colleagues turned friends, turned family. Then we get acquired, you start seeing the end of the adventure. I try to morn the loss while so desperately wanting the ride to keep going. One match burned.
So I did another. This time curios what's going to be different. What difference does an industry, product, founders or culture make? I started seeing so many similarities that a blueprint starts forming. World events occur and put an end to this chapter. I realize how much is out of my control. A humbling kick that maybe it wasn't my talent that got the first one to succeed. I was in the right place, at the right time. Second match burned.
So I fight to regain control. If I lead it, I will see and charter it better. The old hubris back at work. I don't have many matches left, but I can do anything. This conviction pushes me to do things I've never done before. Be the person I wanted to be, unapologetically. It's a big weight off my shoulders. Life becomes more authentic. As I fight through it, I'm beaten into the realization that I can't do anything. Of course I can't. Thinking I could was so silly, yet the power behind the thought is so tempting. I can't change others and this isn't my company. With the realization wash over me, like a cold shower, I start to finally see the truth again. The place is toxic, rife with lying and abuse. Everybody desperately holding on to their dreams and enduring the pain. People I care for are getting hurt and I can't stop it. It was enough, so I walked. Match burned. My third.
I start feeling the passage of time. I realize it's not good enough to win the game. In fact, it's not even all up to me to win the game. What's becoming increasingly important to me is how I play the game. Life is so much more colorful when being authentic. Do it my way. Do it with style. Finding the joy in things and sharing it with others. Ambition can be blinding so maybe work shouldn't be like burning a match. .
“Ambition is a passion, at once strong and insidious, and is very apt to cheat a man out of his happiness and his true respectability of character” - Edward Bates
Or maybe life is all about burning matches. Living vibrant lives and burning as bright as we can.
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” - Hunter S. Thompson
Maybe it's just anxiety. Our mind trying it's best to survive in this world. All the while robbing us of the present. Are we too weak to live in the present? Afraid to let go and enjoy the ride of our lifetime.